[insert title here]

a reintroduction of sorts. mostly to me.

I think as I type and you are welcome on this ride. Just know that this is what it is - a ride. No, really. That’s all that this is. Typed thinking.

But isn’t that life?!?

Experiencing a new form of life while completely shedding what’s ready to fall away isn’t new for me. In many instances, you will see me deeply committed to what I set out to do. I accomplish it. And then I move on. It feels like a very common pattern for me and one that I witness in nature. Devotion and freedom coexist in my world.

Here is why I dusted off substack and decided to type today….

And yes, I know that people actually write profound things on here. I simply type thoughts and I enjoy the freedom in it.

A question that has always made me deeply roll my eyes is “what do you do”. What does that even mean? I am here with you, this is what I am doing. What else actually matters? Maybe there’s more to that. Being completely present where I am and doing whatever I am doing is where I reside. It’s where everyone and everything resides. I don’t ask the trees that I experience on trails “what do they do” because it doesn’t matter. They grow, shade, nourish, …. they are trees and I get to witness them. There’s nothing more to it. But is there more? Maybe the question is, do I want there to be more?

Lately, I’ve experienced a lot of curiosity around what I do. I think the thing I do is witness life in the ways that it reveals itself. I get to care for it in many ways and nourish it and be in relation to it. Isn’t that what we are all doing?

Maybe there is more…

I find myself in places where titles matter - places where people are very excited to embrace my title “doctor”. I can appreciate that. I did graduate with a doctoral degree. I have an advanced level understanding of how the body works, but that’s where it ends for me. While I could talk about that all day, the industry of selling a solution to a problem in the way that I once did just doesn’t resonate anymore. Yet, many people are very proud of the journey and to call me that. Once, again, I can appreciate that. AND there is more. Am I “drcrystaljones" anymore? Maybe a better question is: what does that mean to me now. I love the way that my brain can hear a diagnosis and turn it into a story that invites the mind to stop fighting the present moment - even if it’s just for a second. While the academy has many flaws, I carry so much gratitude for the ability to hold, believe, hear and see the body in ways that I previously couldn’t. Does that make me a doctor when I am no longer part of the industry? Does it make me a doctor when I would rather witness and generate compassionate love stories with the brilliance of the body than be the expert?

In the same vein, I find myself in places where people have created entire identities around athletic ability. The same questions are here. What does that even mean? Yes I am training to run 100 miles on a trail. I have had incredible experiences allowing myself to see and be seen by friends that choose the same journey. I could name all of the events and show all of the awards, but does it matter? Maybe it does. I see them as a VERY LONG experiences of witnessing the parts of me that come alive during this event. Am I an athlete, when it’s not my entire identity? Yes, I do train and expand my capacity. But doesn’t everyone do that in whatever discipline they commit to? It’s discipline and devotion. I will say that I am naturally wired to be very disciplined, is that athletic ability? I remember telling a teammate that I didn’t see myself as an athlete and he was disappointed. It felt very familiar to the disappointment when I say that I’ve left the industry. I deeply enjoy the aliveness that I experience in long distances while witnessing others do the same at the same time. I enjoy the experience of being part of moments when I see people do what they only experienced in their imagination. An athlete, maybe? Do we need a title, what ‘s the attachment? What makes that title so important to you that you want me to see myself that way?

That’s what it is! These are important titles and maybe even love letters that people want to offer me. How beautiful of them to share them with me. While I don’t need to create a personal home in them, I can witness the love that is offered. Is it what I do? No. But maybe it answers what they experience in this moment.

These are the questions that I ask often. I eat food that honors my body and that changes. Is my identity a vegan? I wouldn’t say that - and definitely not now that I move through a highly volatile body that demands presence and intentionality with all of my decisions. Does my medical record carry an incurable diagnosis? Sure, and also there’s a story here being created through my practice. Am I this? Or that? I could say this about every aspect of life that I experience.

Maybe a better question in my language is: where am I landing in this moment?

Deepening the questioning showed up recently as I entertained the idea of disappearing from the internet. I enjoy having an impact where I am planted, in real life - but that’s about it. I want to leave a legacy of compassionate caring and presence. But do I have a desire to create a personality around it. Do I really care to tell people what I did after I did it? Can I just be in the place? Can I simply do the thing? Could there be things that I am assigned to share? Once I get to the internet, there’s an identity to create and hold on to.

Note: these are questions that I ask myself. I simply witness other humans moving through life in whatever way they desire.

I was recently asked to be a guest on a podcast and while I am accustomed to the need for a bio, I told the interviewer that I am no longer interested in telling anyone why they should listen to me. Maybe you shouldn’t. I don’t have answers anyway, I have better questions. If you want to get curious with me, romanticize seemingly mundane moments and turn everything into a meditation, great! I am going to be doing that anyway. It’s what I am doing. It’s what I do.

Is that the answer? I knew that I would get somewhere my opening this substack and typing. I am out here sipping ginger tea (because it is the cure for all things - I don’t make the rules) and meeting life. Is that what the people want to know? Is that what they are really asking? I don’t know. That, however, is what I have been asking over the time that it’s taken to type these words.

I thought maybe, just maybe, I would come up with a user name for the social platforms that I loosely entertain. What feels true is that I am the blooming seed of those that have come before me. That has always felt true.

My body requires me to move through life in a new way and the gift is that I’ve become a softer place to land for myself and maybe, just maybe, the overflow creates a soft place for you to land, here, too.

You’re always welcome to join me.