one hour thirty two minutes and fifty one seconds
the black boat with the blue lights came up beside me and told me that the course was closing and that i needed to get in. my first thought was ‘i have a team waiting on me to come out of this swim finish’.
my instruction was to get in the boat.
reluctantly, i did. they took me to the dock for medical help and all i kept asking was ‘can my team go on?’ they were on the radio. the response was yes.
the mission was accomplished.
the course was 2112 yd. i swam 2214 yd. and i was still about 200m from the finish line.
my teammate and i stood at the start. three people into the water every four seconds. she estimated 50 minutes. i estimated 37 - 42 minutes. what we knew for certain was that we were starting at the same time. and we did.
the buzzer went off and we were in - a running start. as soon as i engaged my body horizontally with the water, my lungs started to constrict as the water temperature was in the sixties. this wasn’t a new experience. i knew that i needed to find the rhythm. my body is mostly water. this is a body of water. all processes require time. so there we were.
the water was heavily supported by kayaks and lifeguards - they can support, they just cannot move you forward. as i reached the first kayak, there were many swimmers attached to it so i kept moving. there was a lot of panic. swimmers were struggling and lifeguards were jumping in. i rested on the second kayak. the lifeguard told me to open my wetsuit and let the water in. i listened and kept forward. breathing was quite difficult. in hindsight, i now know that my body went into preservation mode, not competition mode the moment that i hit the water. every stroke was physically demanding because the engine was off.
the winds were winding and the waves were waving in every direction besides the path of the course. i’d experienced similar conditions one other time in a lake almost 3000yd of a 6000yd challenge swim. the only difference was the water temperature and that the challenge wasn’t timed.
what i knew to do was to release the fight. and there was absolutely no way that i was going to give up on the swim. you heard that saying, ‘the only way that i am leaving is if they carry me up out of here’ - yep that’s me!
i had one goal after that initial entry in to the lake -for my team to be able to continue the race.
a lesson that my dad taught me as i just was learning to swim was to watch the water. i watched her. i honestly knew that this moment was no longer about the competition. this was about my willingness to surrender to the moment. i continued to stop at the kayaks. i back stroked. free styled. breast stroked. treaded water. i could feel the compression of my lungs even more. i just needed to breathe. today was the first day that i ever said yes to the support kayaks. i surrendered.
while there wasn’t a sense of panic, there was an awareness of two things that were happening: (1) my lungs were not expanding even close to being able to fully expand so this swim was on a much slower pace than i had ever practiced (quite literally two minutes per hundred yards longer than my first ever attempt in a pool) and (2) my team was waiting for my arrival to continue. and well (3) there were people tracking me on the app that would see that the swim was not going to plan. i knew that i couldn’t fight the water. i actually did not want to.
i remember laying on my back and creating an agreement with the water. i am here for whatever you are wanting to show, please just make sure that my team can keep going. i will get back to land eventually. every muscle in my body was exhausted. this swim was like none other than i had ever experienced.
just keep swimming.
and i did.
at the end there were kayaks on both sides of me. the person on my breathing side said, ‘i will be right beside you until the end. you’re doing great.’ i continued surrendering. i offered one stroke at a time with whatever i had left.
and then the black boat with the blue lights showed up. at that moment, i knew that it was time to come out of the water. i was less than 200 meters from the swim start but way beyond the cutoff time. they came to carry me home. i knew that they had to have my ankle monitor to pass along. they asked for my teammate’s name and i told them. i kept telling them to make sure she knows i’m okay and that she gets to get on the bike continues forward.
i gave the water one final glance. did i want to complete the course? absolutely. and it was clear that the water had a different assignment for me today? yes. i needed to surrender. i needed to watch the water. i needed to breathe. this swim is known to be of the toughest swims for a reason.
as i left the medical dock, a person stopped me and said that she volunteers at that particular spot because she DNFed years ago and remembered the experience of that swim. she told me to hold my head high because of the small percentage of people who do triathlons, most won’t even attempt this swim. while i don’t really thrive off of comparison, i felt her intention.
my body was tired. walking the quarter mile to the transition felt like an ultra marathon. i then saw my teammate. she was running toward me. and i wanted her to be on the bike. i wanted my experience to only affect me. and then the story that ‘i failed’ hit me. at that moment, i felt like i let my team down. and then the ugly cry came. while there was nothing else that i could have done in that swim to have gotten even close to cutoff, they chose not to continue. in the moment, that’s all i could think about.
they chose being with me and knowing that i was okay over the finish line.
my friend and teammate said ‘did you think that i was about to be out there on the bike for over three hours not knowing if you were okay?’. the tracker did not communicate that i was on land. no matter what they were telling her, she needed to see me. at that moment, i realized that nobody could tell that i was out of the water. she messaged my parents. and then i messaged them.
sister: was it a nice boat?
mom: facetiming me to see my face
dad: ok. we will get it next time. this was not a failure but an opportunity to experience the moment.
indeed it was.
i experienced deep love in that moment. not because i set a personal record. not because i finished. i experienced deep love because my life is valuable to people beyond what i can do.
while it was a challenge to actually see that the race meant nothing to the relay team, i allowed them to witness me. all of me. pulling my body forward in those conditions wiped me out on every level. while i was not fighting the water, forward progression took my entire being with each stroke. the water and winds were guiding me horizontally and often backwards.
i was tired.
and loved.
i generally don’t invite people to watch me in sport. i’d much rather folks be out on the course with me having their own experience(s) of their bodies. this time, i opened myself to it. my marathon training team was glued to the app. family was glued to the app. friends were glued to the app. and the amount of support i experienced once they realized that i was alive was heartwarming. the last few results i’ve had were personal records. this time i DNFed (did not finish). the results didn’t really matter. they were watching the journey. i was the process. the water was the teacher.
why, as a runner, was i leading this race as a swimmer? because that was the assignment. in hindsight, this relay was not about winning. it was about being present in every single moment and meeting who i would become. i run a half marathon on my lightest workout day of the week. if i would have run, i would have met who i already know.
AND my other teammate was out there on the course meeting her personal record!
she was on the bike, and we were ready to find her. we all hopped in the car at met her at mile thirty six. and then somewhere in the forties. team GRIT is fully here. this was the highlight of the day. we set her mom up so that she could be at the finish line and we saw her come in on the bike and demolish that run! she wanted sub seven. she finished sub seven. she did it!!!!!!! in actuality, we agreed to do the relay to support her in accomplishing her goal.
the actual mission was accomplished. while we thought we’d be on the route with her in one way. we had the opportunity to witness her in another way.
my girl hit her goal.
the assignment was clear.
the relay team was offered the opportunity to continue. that’s all i asked of the water. if i was to be a student of the water, just give my team the opportunity to carry forward.
will i do that swim again? likely not. i mean, if the lake actually sends me an email requesting another go, maybe. it’s not because i can’t. i could absolutely acclimate to those conditions through intentional practice. i just have no desire to. the assignment between me and lake eva is complete for now. if my goal was to win, i would absolutely be back. as for now, i have quite a few marathons, half marathons, and another ironman to train for.
i’ll let you know if the lake sends an email.
as my friend drove me to the airport hours after the race, she asked how i experienced the day. to see my friend meet and exceed her goal was absolute joy. to witness the care of everyone from the kayakers, family, friends, and teammates, i was deeply touched. my body was exhausted on many levels. the water was a little spicy in her lesson today.
excerpts from two of my most recent prayer requests offered in our collective prayer container:
pray with me that i open my eyes to see and trust the truth that there are places that i can relax my strength … that my words are clear. and heard clearly. …
that i lay down and receive in specificity.
lake eva: heard.
still: race day was a great day to do a thing that i had never done before.
where are you willing to surrender today?
yes, i read the comments.
“They chose being with me and knowing...” 🖤
Thank you for sharing this note with us.
You are loved beyond, Crystal.
May you experience love as your practice allows yourself to be witnessed. As your practice welcomes and expands into team, community, the non humans, and the unknown, and as you know it. May this love be experienced in your body. May you continue to experience this love exactly as you know it to be.
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Today, I am surrendered to the love spectrum that includes grief and mourning what was is and has become what is.
Today, I am laying down physically in the middle of the day. I may nap.
Today, I am also surrendering old technology back to the Apple Store.